Americans went to bed last night worried about the state of their country. The rate of unemployment remained high, the economy was stagnant, the national debt was rising at an astronomical rate, and politically, the nation was sharply divided.

President Obama has fixed all of our problems overnight.

When Obama was elected, he won by campaigning for change. He gave people hope for a better future. More than a year into his Presidency, many were losing faith in Obama. His popularity kept slipping. His agendas became unpopular. The economy kept getting worse. But Obama worked hard all through the night and made good on his promises of hope and change.

Utopia is here.

While you were sleeping, the President was awake, fixing our broken country.

• We are no longer divided. The violent, hate-mongering tea-parties have been quietly eliminated.
• Our national debt is gone. In fact, China now owes us money.
• We are no longer dependent upon foreign oil. Our cars now run on compressed air.
• The unemployment problem is fixed. All those who want a job now have one. Those who don’t want a job will be richly supported by the government. Don’t worry, there is plenty of money to go around.
• The new health care reforms, as well as Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security are now fully funded using money saved by eliminating all military spending.
• All military spending was able to be eliminated because the United States has no more enemies. Osama bin Laden turned himself in. Iran gave up its nuclear ambitions. North Korea’s Kim Jong Il is now residing in a nursing home. And Hugo Chavez in Venezuela has resigned in order to pursue a career in competitive hot dog eating.

You may be thinking that all of this sounds too good to be true. But you need not doubt this report. I can assure you that all of this is correct. How? Last night Obama also put an end to all lying. Gone are the days of listening to a speech or news report and wondering if it can be believed. Your mind can now be at ease. All that you hear from this day forward will be the truth, for it cannot be anything different. False or misleading information is no longer in the realm of possibility.

Truly, this is Utopia.

In the future, this day, the first of April, will be used to celebrate the gift of a perfect society, given to us by our great leader, Barack the Benevolent.

I.M. Cirius

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Don’t forget, today is also American Socialism Day.