The EPA’s recent announcement that classifies greenhouse gases as being hazardous to our health put pressure on Congress to act. Members of Congress quickly began crafting the first of what may be several measures to deal with this health risk. The newest legislation being suggested imposes a tax on human flatulence.
Methane is one of the greenhouse gases (along with carbon dioxide) that the EPA has labeled as a pollutant. It is expelled when both humans and animals “pass gas.” Such a tax on cattle has already been rumored. Now Congress is moving a step further by attempting to tax methane emissions coming from humans. The hope is that by imposing the tax, the government can reduce the amount of methane in the atmosphere.
But what if this isn’t enough? Environmental advocate and former Vice President Al Gore was asked about this. He responded, “Well, that is an interesting question. There’s no doubt we need to reduce the emissions of these greenhouse gases to save the planet. If this measure doesn’t reduce CO2 and methane levels in the atmosphere to appropriate levels, naturally the government will have to be more aggressive.”
Gore continued: “You know, when we started talking about these things, we were trying to get people to quit driving their big SUV’s. Now, many are beginning to realize that even if you eliminated all sport utility vehicles, human beings, by their very existence, are a threat to this planet. Eventually it may come to the point where the government will have to address that issue.”
“The best way to keep a person from emitting CO2 when they breathe is to simply stop them from breathing,” Gore added. “We need the government to be prepared to do this sort of thing if climate change is not reversed.”
Republicans opposed the bill, saying it was both unrealistic and unnecessary. In a press conference, House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said there is absolutely no way to monitor the flatulence of every American. “We can’t even keep track of ten million illegal aliens – actual people. How are we possibly going to keep track of the number of farts that come from 300 million Americans?”
If the legislation passes, President Obama will likely appoint someone to fill the new role of Fart Czar. Many believe Obama will move White House press secretary Robert Gibbs from his current position to the newly created one, due to his expertise and experience on the subject.
Immigration advocates, however, fear that hispanics will be hit hard by this new legislation. They predict that many Mexican restaurants will close as patrons will choose to eat elsewhere, rather than enjoy the beans and burritos, only to pay extra taxes later. They contend that the tax would lead for further job losses in an already troubled economy.
A grassroots movement has arisen to oppose this new legislation. A group known as the Freedom Farters has held a few protest rallies already around the country. At the latest rally in Slickpoo, Idaho, a group of about 300 people gathered to protest the proposed flatulence tax. Some of the protesters held signs with various slogans: “Fart free or die,” “That stench is Congress,” “It’s my party and I’ll fart if I want to,” and others. Franklin Toots, the group’s founder, spoke at the rally: “We have an administration that is working to gain control over every aspect of our lives. Now they want to control our farting. Where will it end?”
The Freedom Farters plan to hold a rally on Capitol Hill next month when Congress will meet again to discuss the legislation. Toots says the event will be open to all concerned citizens who wish to make their voices heard. They plan to serve beans, cheese, broccoli, and other flatulence-inducing foods.
I.M. Cirius
